R. Jekylle

 I feel worthless. Like nothing. Never good enough and constantly feeling like a failure. And the sad truth is I'm indulging it, I don't want to get better. I want wallow and bleed it out. I want to feel shit and show myself I'm crap. And why? Maybe because it's comforting. I'm getting some kind of attention or validation from my pain. It's awful really. I feel like a shit person now because of it. It's so self pitying and pointless, but then it all feels pointless. I feel like I let everyone down. I feel empty. I feel like I'm a pathetic excuse for a person. I'm supposed to be a certain way..and I don't know how. I don't know how I can ever feel good enough and some days I just wish I could end it. Thank goodness for my children.  They keep me alert and focused. But I'm being such a shit mom. And I'm overwhelmed. And just truly sick of myself. 

Practice Indulgent of course, but I am sick of feeling like I am the "practice" girl. The first girlfriend. The first wife. The one you lost your virginity to. The one you practiced on - and got WRONG. But it's okay as you got the practice in for the next one. The next time you fall in love or want to get your leg over - you'll have the experience from Rose. Even though honestly you were pretty shit. In both ways. At least you got some miles under your belt. You put the time in and let out your frustrations and anger on the first girl. The one in the front line cheering you on, the one who stood in the background letting know she was there. The one you left in the dust. But honestly what kind of man wants to focus on someone who doesn't really care or value themselves? That might be the most important question of all.  On Lockdown  To Rose, I think I am going to put you on lockdown. Down girl. Wind your neck in and cool off as it's not doing you any good. And ...

 Can I say sorry for changing? Sorry I grew differently? I suppose I developed and morphed into more of a person, maybe a person you didn't like or didn't want to be with. Maybe I became more animated, more needy, more eager for life and experiences.  Maybe you just wanted an easy time and I wasn't easy at all.  I wish in so many ways that I was the way you wanted me. That I was the Rose you remember and loved with a special love of our own. But maybe I was meant to grow, to get better and it was simply too much. It may have felt deceitful as I changed into my truer self. Maybe you changed, I am sure you did somehow. Slowed down and resided yourself to the life around us with the bonuses of our family. But I wanted more, and felt selfish to ask but also desperately wanted. I felt trapped and invisible during covid, the pain of loneliness and isolation of being a new mom felt horrible. And I was simply too much when I asked more of you. For more support or a different effo...

 I understand why people think love is broken. It can so easily fade, send you adrift and make you feel invisible. You will do anything to be special to them, to make them notice you, remember you...keep them interested. Bend yourself out of shape, manipulate yourself and cause yourself to drown. Sharing yourself without losing yourself?

 I am scared that I will never obtain my dreams. I really want another baby, despite my recent fears. Maybe it will never happen now. Maybe my hubs doesn't want it as much as me. Maybe my body doesn't work, perhaps it would be easier to see it that way rather than feel like a controlling tyrant. I feel defeated some days, so I will just hide in my fantasy worlds. 

 Why is self-destruction so tempting? Is it because it makes it seem like things don't matter because we don't?  Is it easier to feel pity? Is it enjoyable, pleasurable? Because we want to feel something?  A comfort blanket to curl up and die in.  What is the goal? Do we simply want to say 'Ha!' to everyone, I told you I was worth nothing.  Do we want to feel something? Something raw and painful because it is honest and brutal? Something that feels like the art you used to create from all the leftover dreams and wishful thinking. Does it feel empty without it?