R. Jekylle

 When the pressure comes in vapour You breathe it in, you hold your breath, You let it rest. You fight the waves but your body is weary,  Your mind sick of it all, treading all that water. You say the right words but you're inhaling mouthfuls,  The poisonous brine silences your real meaning.  You choke and heave out its false truths,  Yet still swallow them down again next time.  Willingly sinking, dutifully drowning.   Emerging face down, one and the same. Just a floating body amongst the rest of them. 

 I feel worthless. Like nothing. Never good enough and constantly feeling like a failure. And the sad truth is I'm indulging it, I don't want to get better. I want wallow and bleed it out. I want to feel shit and show myself I'm crap. And why? Maybe because it's comforting. I'm getting some kind of attention or validation from my pain. It's awful really. I feel like a shit person now because of it. It's so self pitying and pointless, but then it all feels pointless. I feel like I let everyone down. I feel empty. I feel like I'm a pathetic excuse for a person. I'm supposed to be a certain way..and I don't know how. I don't know how I can ever feel good enough and some days I just wish I could end it. Thank goodness for my children.  They keep me alert and focused. But I'm being such a shit mom. And I'm overwhelmed. And just truly sick of myself.