Unfulfilled shame

 Do you ever feel so drastically unfulfilled that you would do anything to avoid that feeling? You fill that void with enthusiasm for others, for hobbies, for obsessions. You drive yourself to exhaustion providing for a family, friends, strangers. You use alcohol to dull the mania, but to also bring out the dizzy positivity, while desperately avoiding the bleakness that often comes with it. You feel disappointed and frustrated with yourself as you never amounted to much, at least not what little you thought you would achieve. As if all the pain and confusion meant nothing. The thoughts, the plans and theories now seem like an apathetic teenage dream. It no longer seems like something that could have been formed, something that could have been used efficiently. And you feel the great sense of waste from it all.